Empathy and romance

I want to get to know that woman. I lust for her. I wish I could just go up to her and say, “You are very attractive. I’d like to get to know you, maybe date, maybe kiss, you know. What do you think? Do you share my interest?”
Actually, I think she might be at least a little interested in me. I see her once a week. We say “hi” to each other. We know each other’s names but the only thing we have in common that we know of is the class we take together. “How’d you like the class today?” “Good.” “Yeah.” We have also talked about the weather.
Those extremes—the weather and other inanities at one end and “wanna fuck” and any other overtly direct approach—are not likely to advance a relationship. It’s time for an empathetic approach. If I want to get into that lady’s pants, the best approach is to get into her head. What is she thinking? Who is she? What does she want in life?
When I was younger, more physically attractive and closer to her age, I would likely have used an old favorite line of the time: “What’s your sign?” How obvious and maybe even shocking coming from someone my age. I really don’t want to be thought a dirty old man. Asking someone their astrological sign is certainly advancing in the right direction, however. Even “how are you?” is better than the weather.
I need to know more about her. Does she have a job? What is it? How long has she had it? Does she like it? What would she rather be doing? What does she do with her idle time? Does she read? What is she reading? Has she been married? Does she have children? Has she traveled? Did she go to college? Now I’m cooking! It’s not all about me and my desire. I need to get to know her, what makes her tick.
I’m pretty sure there is no such thing as a mind-reader. There have been times when I felt that I knew what someone was thinking but when something important is on the line the best any of us can do is to think empathetically. The closer we can get to understanding what another is thinking, what they want, the more successful we will be in getting what we want.

Best advice I ever got

I have concluded, more than fifty years later, that the best advice I ever got came from an old caddy when I was fifteen. It was startling advice, as you can imagine, since I remember it after all these years. Several of us caddies were sitting on the caddy bench waiting for a job when the older caddy (the others were about my age) told us that we should always make the woman climax first. It was several years before I was able to put this advice to use but the most startling piece of information was that women climaxed!
Now, in my seventies, I am thinking that this advice may have been the beginning of empathetic thinking for me. Certainly thinking about my partner during sex play has, over the years, brought my partners ecstatic pleasure which, in turn, has done the same for me. Since sex is such a big part of most of our lives, it makes sense that it would be a good vehicle for learning. That it is discussed so little is a tragedy. In our society sex is kept secret. “Secret!” You say. Of course it is the most lucrative business of the web. Prostitution is rightly called the oldest profession. Most of your friends have a fetish of some sort that they wouldn’t want known by even their closest friend. Most people masturbate and lie about it.
I’m not advocating that we go around talking about sex all the time. I just think we would all be a lot healthier, our society would be healthier, if we were comfortable including sex in our conversations just as we include food, sports, aches and pains, politics, etc. (I purposely left out the weather as discussing sex as often as we discuss the weather would probably be an excess.)
Perhaps this example of empathetic thinking will help some others to think this way. I am convinced that the better one becomes at putting one’s self in another’s being, the better life becomes. Think of it this way. Wouldn’t it be way cool to be able to read people’s minds? Thinking empathetically has taken me far in that direction.