Hate to pay taxes? They have been around in various forms since the beginning of civilization. Those who point to a time when there were no taxes in the U.S are pointing to the beginning of the federal income tax. People have hated to pay taxes, tithes, duties, dues and the like to those in power (church, state, lord of the manor, etc.) also since the beginning of civilization.
There was a time when I hated to pay taxes. I would rail in frustration, “I’m working the first four months of the year for the government!” I got so worked up that I did something about it. I got my income tax burden down to nearly nothing. Steve Forbes, take note, here is how you can stop paying income tax. It’s really fairly simple and I found it very invigorating. They don’t tax income if you don’t have any. Of course in Mr. Forbes case he would have to give away about half a billion that is earning him income without his having to work for it but it would still be easier than being president which he has tried to do twice.
I no longer hate paying taxes though I’m now paying more than ever before. I’m paying more because my income is bigger but I’m still able to keep the taxes at a reasonable level by giving away some of my income. It feels good to be able to help others and to help with projects people are doing to protect or improve our environment. As for the taxes? I just gave myself an attitude change. Rather than feel bummed out about having Uncle Sam’s hand in my pocket I now feel good that I can be a part of all the good the country I love is able to do. Oh yeah, I can point to things my country is doing that I don’t think are good. The last “good war” (one I feel we were compelled to enter) was WWII. I also think there are things the federal government messes in that local governments and citizens could do better but if I get focused on the negative, I’ll loose my good feeling about paying taxes.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Boehnercare
The Democrats need top stop trying to be reasonable, that is to apply reason. They need some catchy phrases. Take lessons from the conservatives and dismiss any reporting that doesn’t agree with your agenda as the Don’t-confuse-me-with-facts media. The Republicans say they want to overturn the health reform legislation which they label as Obamacare. Do they really want to go back to the way it was before “Obamacare”? How many years have both Democrats and Republicans been proclaiming the need for change? For goodness sake Democrats get on television and radio demanding Boehnercare!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Dumb populace
10/19/10 In the news: French Pension Protests. Masked youths clashed with police officers and set fires in cities across France on Tuesday as protests against a proposed hike in the retirement age took an increasingly radical turn.
Idiots! Sure the government screwed up plus the baby boomers will be retiring very soon putting more pressure on retirement funds plus people are living longer putting more pressure on retirement funds and there will be fewer, percentage wise, people paying into the funds making the gap between what is available and what is required even wider; but, “Idiots, what is your solution to the problem? You just want to get yours even if it bankrupts the government? Open your foolish minds and try to help yourself and your countrymen (and women). Recognize the larger problem and say, ‘Yes, I want to be part of the solution.’”
Golly I really got wound up there. Thank goodness nothing like that will happen in this country. We aren’t just for ourselves and damn the rest of the population. We know that we will have to make sacrifices for the good of our country and our fellow citizens. We…. About now you should be wondering what drug I’m on because we, the majority of us, not you and I of course but the majority, will vote against any sensible way to save social security like making the retirement age older or even dispensing with cost of living increases. Some people are getting riled up because the cost of living hasn’t gone up so they aren’t getting an increase in their social security check.
We blame the politicians but we are the problem and the tea party solution of throwing the bums out is not the answer because if the new politicians want to be reelected, they will have to be bums. Several years ago a Maine representative the US Congress voted for closing a military base in Maine. It was the right vote for the good of the country. Usually the politicians work it out so that everyone can vote for the narrow interests of the state, take cover as it were, while others make the hard vote, though not hard for them because the vote doesn’t affect people in their state. This representative was slaughtered by his opponent in the next election on that one issue. Politicians are not as dumb as we may think. They just do things that are dumb for our country but smart in getting reelected by a dumb populace.
Idiots! Sure the government screwed up plus the baby boomers will be retiring very soon putting more pressure on retirement funds plus people are living longer putting more pressure on retirement funds and there will be fewer, percentage wise, people paying into the funds making the gap between what is available and what is required even wider; but, “Idiots, what is your solution to the problem? You just want to get yours even if it bankrupts the government? Open your foolish minds and try to help yourself and your countrymen (and women). Recognize the larger problem and say, ‘Yes, I want to be part of the solution.’”
Golly I really got wound up there. Thank goodness nothing like that will happen in this country. We aren’t just for ourselves and damn the rest of the population. We know that we will have to make sacrifices for the good of our country and our fellow citizens. We…. About now you should be wondering what drug I’m on because we, the majority of us, not you and I of course but the majority, will vote against any sensible way to save social security like making the retirement age older or even dispensing with cost of living increases. Some people are getting riled up because the cost of living hasn’t gone up so they aren’t getting an increase in their social security check.
We blame the politicians but we are the problem and the tea party solution of throwing the bums out is not the answer because if the new politicians want to be reelected, they will have to be bums. Several years ago a Maine representative the US Congress voted for closing a military base in Maine. It was the right vote for the good of the country. Usually the politicians work it out so that everyone can vote for the narrow interests of the state, take cover as it were, while others make the hard vote, though not hard for them because the vote doesn’t affect people in their state. This representative was slaughtered by his opponent in the next election on that one issue. Politicians are not as dumb as we may think. They just do things that are dumb for our country but smart in getting reelected by a dumb populace.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Glenn Beck might scare me
Global warming started concerning me before Reagan became president. I remember because he appointed a study group which I cynically thought was just to shut up those of us who were concerned. The group came back with a report much sooner than expected saying it was a serious problem and that action should be taken. I thought this was great news and that surely something would start happening. That was nearly 30 years ago. Incredible!
Back then I thought this was a problem we should be working on for future generations but that climate change would be slow and I would not see any dramatic difference in my lifetime. How wrong I was. Changes in weather patterns around the world and changes in insect populations in my garden are already dramatic. That I would see such change in my lifetime (and I’m likely to live another 20 years or so) was scary. I was thinking recently that it will be even scarier when the warming deniers like Glenn Beck and others on Fox acknowledge the problem. Yeah, that will really be scary. It will also be annoying because I’m sure they will not say, “Gosh, I guess global warming is a real thing. I’m sorry I misled people for all those years when, if I had recognized the problem earlier, I might have been able to help get the people behind making positive changes to reverse the trend.” Much more likely they will blame government for getting us into this mess and, of course, they will be right but I’ve got to believe that the Republicans in congress who are holding up any progress would change their tune if the don’t-confuse-me-with-facts media opened their ears to what they call the “liberal media”.
Back then I thought this was a problem we should be working on for future generations but that climate change would be slow and I would not see any dramatic difference in my lifetime. How wrong I was. Changes in weather patterns around the world and changes in insect populations in my garden are already dramatic. That I would see such change in my lifetime (and I’m likely to live another 20 years or so) was scary. I was thinking recently that it will be even scarier when the warming deniers like Glenn Beck and others on Fox acknowledge the problem. Yeah, that will really be scary. It will also be annoying because I’m sure they will not say, “Gosh, I guess global warming is a real thing. I’m sorry I misled people for all those years when, if I had recognized the problem earlier, I might have been able to help get the people behind making positive changes to reverse the trend.” Much more likely they will blame government for getting us into this mess and, of course, they will be right but I’ve got to believe that the Republicans in congress who are holding up any progress would change their tune if the don’t-confuse-me-with-facts media opened their ears to what they call the “liberal media”.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
How to love everybody
There are two adults in their thirties who are good citizens of the world. I have given them my love for their whole lives. I don’t think my parents ever doubted that I loved them. I have been in a loving relationship with my wife for over forty years. I have studied, thought about and written extensively about love. However, none of that makes me an expert if there is such a thing. I’m going to tell you what I have learned that is contributing considerably to what I call my profound happiness in the possibility that it may resonate with you.
Self-love is the foundation for any love. Acceptance and respect are the tools for building the foundation.
I spent a depressing hour with a paraplegic a number of years ago. I was not depressed because he had lost the use of his arms and legs but because he was so unhappy. Wouldn’t I be unhappy if I were confined to a wheelchair? I doubt I would be thrilled about my condition. If I had done it to myself, as this man had driving drunk twenty years earlier, I might be pissed at myself for my stupidity but I wouldn’t be taking it out on others. I would start with acceptance. I don’t delude myself into thinking it would be easy but the sooner I got over being angry at myself, angry at the world, hating myself and the world, the sooner I would be on the road to finding happiness.
Thinking of life as a game helps me accept my life as it is. In this case a card game works best—any card game except poker. In poker you can throw in any hand you don’t want to play but in most card games from Go Fish to Bridge you have to play the cards you are dealt. Playing a poor hand well can be very satisfying.
Paraplegia is an extreme but none of us is perfect. In our teens we tend to focus on our physical imperfections. Rather than focusing on the zits we need to step back from the mirror. I am who I am and a lot of who I am is pretty good. Others may not see it but I know I’m special. I guess that was my attitude when I was in my late teens. I remember thinking that girls who didn’t want to date me were missing something. The wonderful irony here is that I don’t even know if they didn’t want to date me because I never asked. I desperately wanted to be in the company of girls but I was too shy to initiate a relationship.
In my twenties I had a number of relationships with women; several could have been good partners in marriage. I didn’t realize why I rejected commitment then and what changed when, at 31 I asked a woman to marry me and a year after that fell apart I proposed to my wife of 40 years.
The journey from shy to beginning a stable marriage was largely unconscious. Feedback from relationships at play and at work probably built my self-confidence and self-respect, which, in turn, helped me accept myself. My “zits” disappeared as I move farther from the mirror and saw myself reflected in the impression I made on others.
My conscious effort to find happiness began a year after marriage when I found myself to be unhappy. As it was my happiness that was in question I thought the best place to look was within. I investigated what made me happy and what made me unhappy and began doing more of the former and less of the latter. I was not looking for frivolous pleasures but things I had done that I could look back on with pleasure. I found that the unhappinesses were things that prayed on my conscience or things I took to be unfair.
I won’t go into what I found rummaging around in my mind. The point is that a good place to look for happiness and love is within. One of the things to look for is anything about yourself that you find unacceptable and fix it. There are two ways to get rid of unacceptable parts of yourself—change if it is possible or accept.
For example if you masturbate and you don’t think you should, either stop masturbating or accept that it is part of who you are and that it is fine. I know some say masturbation is a sin but there are very few people between the ages of 7 and 90 who don’t masturbate. Smoking, taking alcohol or other drugs, biting your nails may be things you feel you should change to improve your self-respect. Work on them however you can. There are only two universal rules: 1) Do no harm to another living now or in the future 2) sex only between consenting adults. I say that only for someone who may have a conscience that would allow either of these.
Self-love is the foundation for any love. Acceptance and respect are the tools for building the foundation.
I spent a depressing hour with a paraplegic a number of years ago. I was not depressed because he had lost the use of his arms and legs but because he was so unhappy. Wouldn’t I be unhappy if I were confined to a wheelchair? I doubt I would be thrilled about my condition. If I had done it to myself, as this man had driving drunk twenty years earlier, I might be pissed at myself for my stupidity but I wouldn’t be taking it out on others. I would start with acceptance. I don’t delude myself into thinking it would be easy but the sooner I got over being angry at myself, angry at the world, hating myself and the world, the sooner I would be on the road to finding happiness.
Thinking of life as a game helps me accept my life as it is. In this case a card game works best—any card game except poker. In poker you can throw in any hand you don’t want to play but in most card games from Go Fish to Bridge you have to play the cards you are dealt. Playing a poor hand well can be very satisfying.
Paraplegia is an extreme but none of us is perfect. In our teens we tend to focus on our physical imperfections. Rather than focusing on the zits we need to step back from the mirror. I am who I am and a lot of who I am is pretty good. Others may not see it but I know I’m special. I guess that was my attitude when I was in my late teens. I remember thinking that girls who didn’t want to date me were missing something. The wonderful irony here is that I don’t even know if they didn’t want to date me because I never asked. I desperately wanted to be in the company of girls but I was too shy to initiate a relationship.
In my twenties I had a number of relationships with women; several could have been good partners in marriage. I didn’t realize why I rejected commitment then and what changed when, at 31 I asked a woman to marry me and a year after that fell apart I proposed to my wife of 40 years.
The journey from shy to beginning a stable marriage was largely unconscious. Feedback from relationships at play and at work probably built my self-confidence and self-respect, which, in turn, helped me accept myself. My “zits” disappeared as I move farther from the mirror and saw myself reflected in the impression I made on others.
My conscious effort to find happiness began a year after marriage when I found myself to be unhappy. As it was my happiness that was in question I thought the best place to look was within. I investigated what made me happy and what made me unhappy and began doing more of the former and less of the latter. I was not looking for frivolous pleasures but things I had done that I could look back on with pleasure. I found that the unhappinesses were things that prayed on my conscience or things I took to be unfair.
I won’t go into what I found rummaging around in my mind. The point is that a good place to look for happiness and love is within. One of the things to look for is anything about yourself that you find unacceptable and fix it. There are two ways to get rid of unacceptable parts of yourself—change if it is possible or accept.
For example if you masturbate and you don’t think you should, either stop masturbating or accept that it is part of who you are and that it is fine. I know some say masturbation is a sin but there are very few people between the ages of 7 and 90 who don’t masturbate. Smoking, taking alcohol or other drugs, biting your nails may be things you feel you should change to improve your self-respect. Work on them however you can. There are only two universal rules: 1) Do no harm to another living now or in the future 2) sex only between consenting adults. I say that only for someone who may have a conscience that would allow either of these.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Bindweed
My daughter and her husband bought an older home and the yard is filled with BINDWEED! How does one rid the yard of this noxious plant? Please help! We grow vegetables as well and do not want to use chemicals to kill this plant.
I look forward to your response.
Thanks,
Donna
Donna, your email box was full so I'm posting my answer here.
This is a tough one. The empathetic gardener thinks, “The plant needs energy which it gets from the sun. The only way it can get this energy is through leaves. If I can keep it from having leaves, it will eventually die.”
I have only dealt with it in gardens which is curious since I have extensive mowed areas. Bindweed must have been or still be in some of these areas since, I suppose, it was already present when I converted sod to garden. In my reference books (including Weeds of Lawn and Garden) I only find solutions for dealing with it in cultivated soil. The books say to till or cultivated repeatedly, every other week or sooner and that this may take more than one growing season. When my son was preteen I would pay him and a friend by the ounce for the "gold" roots. Perhaps I didn't pay enough or use the right motivation because, though he and his friend loved to dig, they tired of gold mining too soon. When my Tom Sawyer plan failed I found myself out there digging up the rhizomes. It was just a matter of keeping after them, getting as many as I could in the time I had and keeping an eye on the patch and going after any as they appeared above ground.
For the lawn I would probably just mow and see what happens. If it doesn't get worse, I'd forget about it and accept bindweed as part of the diversity of my organic lawn. I have a ground ivy that shares a lot of my lawn and has spread over the years but it doesn't bother me. However, if you want to get rid of bindweed without tilling up the whole lawn and keeping it that way for most of a year, I suggest going after it one stem at a time on hands and knees with a hand lawn weeding tool. This tool is about 18 inches long including the handle and has a V shaped end that you stick in the ground at an angle to cut the stem below ground surface. They will keep coming and you will have to keep after them. Pick a small patch to work on and keep after it until the bindweed is gone then move on to another patch. This will be a test of your persistence.
I look forward to your response.
Thanks,
Donna
Donna, your email box was full so I'm posting my answer here.
This is a tough one. The empathetic gardener thinks, “The plant needs energy which it gets from the sun. The only way it can get this energy is through leaves. If I can keep it from having leaves, it will eventually die.”
I have only dealt with it in gardens which is curious since I have extensive mowed areas. Bindweed must have been or still be in some of these areas since, I suppose, it was already present when I converted sod to garden. In my reference books (including Weeds of Lawn and Garden) I only find solutions for dealing with it in cultivated soil. The books say to till or cultivated repeatedly, every other week or sooner and that this may take more than one growing season. When my son was preteen I would pay him and a friend by the ounce for the "gold" roots. Perhaps I didn't pay enough or use the right motivation because, though he and his friend loved to dig, they tired of gold mining too soon. When my Tom Sawyer plan failed I found myself out there digging up the rhizomes. It was just a matter of keeping after them, getting as many as I could in the time I had and keeping an eye on the patch and going after any as they appeared above ground.
For the lawn I would probably just mow and see what happens. If it doesn't get worse, I'd forget about it and accept bindweed as part of the diversity of my organic lawn. I have a ground ivy that shares a lot of my lawn and has spread over the years but it doesn't bother me. However, if you want to get rid of bindweed without tilling up the whole lawn and keeping it that way for most of a year, I suggest going after it one stem at a time on hands and knees with a hand lawn weeding tool. This tool is about 18 inches long including the handle and has a V shaped end that you stick in the ground at an angle to cut the stem below ground surface. They will keep coming and you will have to keep after them. Pick a small patch to work on and keep after it until the bindweed is gone then move on to another patch. This will be a test of your persistence.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Empathy and romance
I want to get to know that woman. I lust for her. I wish I could just go up to her and say, “You are very attractive. I’d like to get to know you, maybe date, maybe kiss, you know. What do you think? Do you share my interest?”
Actually, I think she might be at least a little interested in me. I see her once a week. We say “hi” to each other. We know each other’s names but the only thing we have in common that we know of is the class we take together. “How’d you like the class today?” “Good.” “Yeah.” We have also talked about the weather.
Those extremes—the weather and other inanities at one end and “wanna fuck” and any other overtly direct approach—are not likely to advance a relationship. It’s time for an empathetic approach. If I want to get into that lady’s pants, the best approach is to get into her head. What is she thinking? Who is she? What does she want in life?
When I was younger, more physically attractive and closer to her age, I would likely have used an old favorite line of the time: “What’s your sign?” How obvious and maybe even shocking coming from someone my age. I really don’t want to be thought a dirty old man. Asking someone their astrological sign is certainly advancing in the right direction, however. Even “how are you?” is better than the weather.
I need to know more about her. Does she have a job? What is it? How long has she had it? Does she like it? What would she rather be doing? What does she do with her idle time? Does she read? What is she reading? Has she been married? Does she have children? Has she traveled? Did she go to college? Now I’m cooking! It’s not all about me and my desire. I need to get to know her, what makes her tick.
I’m pretty sure there is no such thing as a mind-reader. There have been times when I felt that I knew what someone was thinking but when something important is on the line the best any of us can do is to think empathetically. The closer we can get to understanding what another is thinking, what they want, the more successful we will be in getting what we want.
Actually, I think she might be at least a little interested in me. I see her once a week. We say “hi” to each other. We know each other’s names but the only thing we have in common that we know of is the class we take together. “How’d you like the class today?” “Good.” “Yeah.” We have also talked about the weather.
Those extremes—the weather and other inanities at one end and “wanna fuck” and any other overtly direct approach—are not likely to advance a relationship. It’s time for an empathetic approach. If I want to get into that lady’s pants, the best approach is to get into her head. What is she thinking? Who is she? What does she want in life?
When I was younger, more physically attractive and closer to her age, I would likely have used an old favorite line of the time: “What’s your sign?” How obvious and maybe even shocking coming from someone my age. I really don’t want to be thought a dirty old man. Asking someone their astrological sign is certainly advancing in the right direction, however. Even “how are you?” is better than the weather.
I need to know more about her. Does she have a job? What is it? How long has she had it? Does she like it? What would she rather be doing? What does she do with her idle time? Does she read? What is she reading? Has she been married? Does she have children? Has she traveled? Did she go to college? Now I’m cooking! It’s not all about me and my desire. I need to get to know her, what makes her tick.
I’m pretty sure there is no such thing as a mind-reader. There have been times when I felt that I knew what someone was thinking but when something important is on the line the best any of us can do is to think empathetically. The closer we can get to understanding what another is thinking, what they want, the more successful we will be in getting what we want.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
How to Curb Greed
When I ask people to name the best decade, the 50s are the most popular—the age of Leave it to Beaver, Father Knows Best and Ozzie and Harriet. I graduated from high school in 1956 and I certainly wouldn’t argue with that choice. What made it so good—family values, families with just one-wage earner, low taxes, low unemployment. One of the reasons I propose is not true. Family values is a subjective judgment though I suspect most would agree that “family values” were higher in the 50s than now. I can’t find statistics to back up my belief that the percentage of single-wage-earner households was higher in the 50s but it certainly was on television. There was low unemployment--the lowest average unemployment for the decade than any decade since (4.5%). The one that isn’t true is low taxes, at least for the wealthy. The highest tax bracket throughout the 50s was 91%. In fact, in all the years Americans have been taxed there were only two years, 1944 and 45, when there was a higher tax bracket.
I believe there is a direct correlation. The incentive to make millions of dollars when you are only allowed to keep 9% is much less than if you get to keep 65% as currently. Some corporate CEO who might today have gotten a 17 million dollar bonus, might, in the 50s, have said, “Never mind. A million is enough.” Where would the other $16,000,000 have gone? Maybe to share holders. Maybe to consumers of the produce the corporation produced. Either way it would spread the wealth around and make greed less likely.
There is no rational reason for making more than $1 million a year. Bring back the 91% tax on income over $1 million. For those who say that would slow recovery from the recession I suggest you go back to the unemployment table. The decade with the highest rate of unemployment was….can you guess? The 80s, of course. The average for the 80s was 7.27%. I guess there wasn’t enough trickling down. The most recent decade was 5.54%.
I believe there is a direct correlation. The incentive to make millions of dollars when you are only allowed to keep 9% is much less than if you get to keep 65% as currently. Some corporate CEO who might today have gotten a 17 million dollar bonus, might, in the 50s, have said, “Never mind. A million is enough.” Where would the other $16,000,000 have gone? Maybe to share holders. Maybe to consumers of the produce the corporation produced. Either way it would spread the wealth around and make greed less likely.
There is no rational reason for making more than $1 million a year. Bring back the 91% tax on income over $1 million. For those who say that would slow recovery from the recession I suggest you go back to the unemployment table. The decade with the highest rate of unemployment was….can you guess? The 80s, of course. The average for the 80s was 7.27%. I guess there wasn’t enough trickling down. The most recent decade was 5.54%.
Friday, January 29, 2010
How to love 2
Not how to love another or your dog or vegetables or your country--just how to love. Not how to love your spouse or how to love your mother or how to love your father or how to love your son or daughter. My daughter didn’t wait to teach her son how to jump until he was old enough to broad jump or high jump. She taught him what fun it was to jump in puddles and to jump into her arms. Knowing what jumping is he will be ready for someone to teach him how to jump over a bar or to jump a distance or to jump out of an airplane.
It seems to me we ought to learn how to love without the encumbrance of all the different kinds of love. Sure my grandson is learning how to love his parents and grandparents. That is easy because he is being loved but what is that love that he is receiving? It is a feeling, to be sure. Basking in the radiant love of his parents and grandparents feels good, so good he returns it in kind with a smile, a giggle, a wriggle and even a full body spasm. How wonderful that feeling is. That must be part of love, a warm, happy feeling.
How can we have a warm, happy feeling about someone we hardly know? If we are to believe that we should love our enemies, what is that love? Can we have positive feelings about Osama bin Laden? Maybe love for our enemies doesn’t include a warm feeling, but what then?
It seems to me we ought to learn how to love without the encumbrance of all the different kinds of love. Sure my grandson is learning how to love his parents and grandparents. That is easy because he is being loved but what is that love that he is receiving? It is a feeling, to be sure. Basking in the radiant love of his parents and grandparents feels good, so good he returns it in kind with a smile, a giggle, a wriggle and even a full body spasm. How wonderful that feeling is. That must be part of love, a warm, happy feeling.
How can we have a warm, happy feeling about someone we hardly know? If we are to believe that we should love our enemies, what is that love? Can we have positive feelings about Osama bin Laden? Maybe love for our enemies doesn’t include a warm feeling, but what then?
Friday, January 15, 2010
Self-love
We are all different. I say this a lot because I want you to understand that when I write about something that works for me, it may not work for you; just because I like broccoli and George H.W. Bush does not does not make him a bad person or less good than I am or visa versa. We are all different [Period or exclamation point, you choose.]
Sonja Lyubomirsky writes in The How of Happiness, a scientific approach to getting the life you want “happy participants [in a test against another] felt more upbeat than they had been earlier and thought better of their ability, regardless of whether they had witnessed someone perform much better or much worse than they. The self-assessments of unhappy people, by contrast, were keenly sensitive to the experience of witnessing another person’s superior performance.”
My reaction is, sure, it’s because happy people are self-contained. It is all inside. We perform up to our own potential and recognize that there are likely others who would do better. We are unique and able to celebrate our uniqueness without care of being different, not better or worse, just different, than anyone else.
You are unique and that’s a good thing. I wish that were taught more in our schools. Some children will be “left behind” in math, others in reading, others in sports, others in music, others…well, you get the idea. “Left behind” what? We fail each other when we fail to recognize each other’s uniqueness. If you are reading this, you are old enough or advanced enough in thinking to recognize your own beauty and value, your own strengths. Let me say that again. If you are reading this you have the ability to recognize your own strengths, value, and beauty? I have no idea to what extent you may be using your ability.
Self confidence, self-respect, and self-love are gained through self-understanding. Self-love is the foundation for all love.
PS Each of us has someone to love that does not depend on another. The ability is within each of us to love ourselves. That doesn’t make it easy, just possible. To love ourselves we need to keep tabs on what makes us happy and what does not and do more of the former and less of the latter.
Sonja Lyubomirsky writes in The How of Happiness, a scientific approach to getting the life you want “happy participants [in a test against another] felt more upbeat than they had been earlier and thought better of their ability, regardless of whether they had witnessed someone perform much better or much worse than they. The self-assessments of unhappy people, by contrast, were keenly sensitive to the experience of witnessing another person’s superior performance.”
My reaction is, sure, it’s because happy people are self-contained. It is all inside. We perform up to our own potential and recognize that there are likely others who would do better. We are unique and able to celebrate our uniqueness without care of being different, not better or worse, just different, than anyone else.
You are unique and that’s a good thing. I wish that were taught more in our schools. Some children will be “left behind” in math, others in reading, others in sports, others in music, others…well, you get the idea. “Left behind” what? We fail each other when we fail to recognize each other’s uniqueness. If you are reading this, you are old enough or advanced enough in thinking to recognize your own beauty and value, your own strengths. Let me say that again. If you are reading this you have the ability to recognize your own strengths, value, and beauty? I have no idea to what extent you may be using your ability.
Self confidence, self-respect, and self-love are gained through self-understanding. Self-love is the foundation for all love.
PS Each of us has someone to love that does not depend on another. The ability is within each of us to love ourselves. That doesn’t make it easy, just possible. To love ourselves we need to keep tabs on what makes us happy and what does not and do more of the former and less of the latter.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Thinking empathetically
Good news! I have heard the terms “thinking empathetically” and “empathetic thinking” twice in the past week in different contexts. I hope it becomes ubiquitous. If the previous administration had understood empathetic thinking and used it before invading Afghanistan and Iraq, over 4,000 Americans and an untold number of Iraqis would still be alive, and more than 30,000 young men and women would not have received physical injuries not to mention mental injuries.
Thinking empathetically before invading would have revealed that Osama bin Laden’s purpose was not to kill as many Americans as possible but to draw us into a war that could be played up as a religious war. We could have used the compassion and sympathy of people and countries around the world to root out terrorists quietly using our intelligence (and intelligence agencies). By declaring war and using our military might we have helped al Qaeda recruit more terrorists.
After the Christmas bomber some thoughtless people in congress pontificated that the president should be more forceful in his rhetoric. And what!? Scare terrorists?! Think empathetically. If you are hanging out in some al Qaeda training camp and you hear the President say something like, “This dastardly act will not go unpunished. We will track down terrorists wherever they are. We will…” I’m too lazy to look up the previous president’s remarks after any of the terrorist attacks since 911 or Tony Blair’s after the London bombings but they were leveled at the homeland populace and were the laughing stock in al Qaeda camps. Think about it, please. Put yourself in an al Qaeda camp. Imagine yourself sitting around a campfire listening to the President of the most powerful nation in the world spouting threats. As you listen, you are pumped up. “Oh, yeah, come and get us. Ha, ha, ha. How long you been looking for Osama? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, man, we are scared. We are so scared we may just strap on some more explosives and do God’s work.”
Belligerent rhetoric is ignorant, ignorant of what the enemy is thinking, ignorant of what they want, ignorant of how to deal with terrorism. Thought, empathetic thought, is smart.
Thinking empathetically before invading would have revealed that Osama bin Laden’s purpose was not to kill as many Americans as possible but to draw us into a war that could be played up as a religious war. We could have used the compassion and sympathy of people and countries around the world to root out terrorists quietly using our intelligence (and intelligence agencies). By declaring war and using our military might we have helped al Qaeda recruit more terrorists.
After the Christmas bomber some thoughtless people in congress pontificated that the president should be more forceful in his rhetoric. And what!? Scare terrorists?! Think empathetically. If you are hanging out in some al Qaeda training camp and you hear the President say something like, “This dastardly act will not go unpunished. We will track down terrorists wherever they are. We will…” I’m too lazy to look up the previous president’s remarks after any of the terrorist attacks since 911 or Tony Blair’s after the London bombings but they were leveled at the homeland populace and were the laughing stock in al Qaeda camps. Think about it, please. Put yourself in an al Qaeda camp. Imagine yourself sitting around a campfire listening to the President of the most powerful nation in the world spouting threats. As you listen, you are pumped up. “Oh, yeah, come and get us. Ha, ha, ha. How long you been looking for Osama? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, man, we are scared. We are so scared we may just strap on some more explosives and do God’s work.”
Belligerent rhetoric is ignorant, ignorant of what the enemy is thinking, ignorant of what they want, ignorant of how to deal with terrorism. Thought, empathetic thought, is smart.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Life is a game
The best analogy for life can be found in our play, in games.
Example One: life really sucks.
I think most of us would agree that it would suck to be a paraplegic. I had the misfortune of spending a couple of hours with a paraplegic who hated his life. I say misfortune because this individual was angry at the world. He was an activist in handicap accessibility pointing out to me the places he couldn’t go in his wheelchair. “If you want to go into that store,” I suggested, “I’m sure all you would have to do is let the shopkeepers know and they would help you.” You already know that was not the point. He had no interest in that store. He just wanted to be able to go there on his own if he did want to. Goodness knows I understand the desire for independence.
A card game like bridge is a good analogy for this situation. When playing bridge, you get dealt 13 cards. They may be lousy cards, a hand you would rather not play, perhaps, but you still play it to the best of your ability.
There are paraplegics who are inspirations like Chris Waddell, a paraplegic who scaled Mt. Kilimanjaro more than 20 years after he was paralyzed in a skiing accident. Waddell says. “What happens to us isn’t that interesting; it’s what we do with it that’s interesting.”
I suspect the paraplegic I met with had not forgiven himself for his misfortune. Driving drunk put him in the wheelchair. I think he would make himself much happier if he forgave himself and accepted his hand. We can never go back. It is always this hand that we have to play, the one this moment.
Example One: life really sucks.
I think most of us would agree that it would suck to be a paraplegic. I had the misfortune of spending a couple of hours with a paraplegic who hated his life. I say misfortune because this individual was angry at the world. He was an activist in handicap accessibility pointing out to me the places he couldn’t go in his wheelchair. “If you want to go into that store,” I suggested, “I’m sure all you would have to do is let the shopkeepers know and they would help you.” You already know that was not the point. He had no interest in that store. He just wanted to be able to go there on his own if he did want to. Goodness knows I understand the desire for independence.
A card game like bridge is a good analogy for this situation. When playing bridge, you get dealt 13 cards. They may be lousy cards, a hand you would rather not play, perhaps, but you still play it to the best of your ability.
There are paraplegics who are inspirations like Chris Waddell, a paraplegic who scaled Mt. Kilimanjaro more than 20 years after he was paralyzed in a skiing accident. Waddell says. “What happens to us isn’t that interesting; it’s what we do with it that’s interesting.”
I suspect the paraplegic I met with had not forgiven himself for his misfortune. Driving drunk put him in the wheelchair. I think he would make himself much happier if he forgave himself and accepted his hand. We can never go back. It is always this hand that we have to play, the one this moment.
Friday, November 27, 2009
How to love
Kinds of love?
Rather a core, a foundation, a trunk from which love branches.
A love that is central to life.
Love others as thyself?
Love myself?
Self-respect.
Self acceptance.
The core.
The foundation.
The trunk from which I love my parents
My children,
My friends,
My neighbors,
Yea, even mine enemies.
Rather a core, a foundation, a trunk from which love branches.
A love that is central to life.
Love others as thyself?
Love myself?
Self-respect.
Self acceptance.
The core.
The foundation.
The trunk from which I love my parents
My children,
My friends,
My neighbors,
Yea, even mine enemies.
Friday, November 13, 2009
The Sun
When I received an invitation for a free issue of The Sun magazine I had recently let laps another magazine subscription because, though I enjoyed what I read, I simply didn’t have time to do much more than leaf through it once. The Sun’s brochure drew me in and I sent in the coupon. When the issue arrived I leafed through it. During the next few weeks I read a little but when the bill came inviting me to subscribe I wasn’t ready to do so but I set it aside not quite ready to check the “no thank you” box either. A couple of weeks later my wife and I found that between us we had read everything between the covers (and enjoyed the cover photo). I don’t have any more time now than I did then but when each new issue arrives I find that I have just finished the previous one and welcome the new one.
Two stories in the “Readers Write” section of the November issue moved me deeply confirming my belief that it is important to be true to ourselves. One was of a woman who had remade herself even changing her name to fit in at a new school. She kept the new identity until, in therapy for alcoholisms, she introduced herself by her old name and broke down sobbing; realizing that the name change was just a symbol of her denial of her true self.
In the same issue is an excerpt from John O’Donohue’s book To Bless the Space Between Us that expresses so well a truth I have found. “…the greatest gift you could ever dream is a gift that you can only receive from one person. And that person is yourself. Therefore, the most subversive invitation you could ever accept is the invitation to awaken to who you are and where you have landed.”
And later: “You develop from your own self-compassion a great compassion for others. You are no longer caught in the false game of judgment, comparison, and assumption. More naked now than ever, you begin to feel truly alive.”
These snippets don’t do justice to the single page in The Sun that has induced me to add John O’Donohue’s book to my list of books to read.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Reincarnation
Hindus believe in reincarnation and pray to be released from this endless chain. Life’s a bitch, I guess; but for me it is quite the opposite. Sure I can see that life for many is a bitch and not just those who are starving or repressed or in prison but also wealthy people who have a King Midas mentality or people filled with hate like the man in the truck plastered with angry bumper stickers like “Impeach Obama”. Lot’s of unhappiness in the world, to be sure, and if I were one of the unhappy and believed that I would be forced to come back to life again and again, I’d want off the treadmill.
I have a happier version of reincarnation. The myth that I enjoy most is that this life is a virtual reality, that i (as I know myself here in this life) am a character in a kind of video game that I (as I imagine myself outside of life) am playing. i don’t know how the game works, of course. It may be that I can program the game before getting into it or I may be able to manipulate it as i go through life, or My friends outside life can mess around with my life-game. In this notion, as with any game we play here in this life we get better at it the more we play it. That notion fits well with the Hindu belief that they can get off the reincarnation loop by being good. In my notion I can get off any time but as long as the game is challenging, I’d probably want to keep coming back to play it better. Would I want to come back if life sucked or was painful? Sure. The pain and suffering within life is not felt outside of life anymore than the player of a video game feels pain or suffering of the characters in the game being played.
I have a happier version of reincarnation. The myth that I enjoy most is that this life is a virtual reality, that i (as I know myself here in this life) am a character in a kind of video game that I (as I imagine myself outside of life) am playing. i don’t know how the game works, of course. It may be that I can program the game before getting into it or I may be able to manipulate it as i go through life, or My friends outside life can mess around with my life-game. In this notion, as with any game we play here in this life we get better at it the more we play it. That notion fits well with the Hindu belief that they can get off the reincarnation loop by being good. In my notion I can get off any time but as long as the game is challenging, I’d probably want to keep coming back to play it better. Would I want to come back if life sucked or was painful? Sure. The pain and suffering within life is not felt outside of life anymore than the player of a video game feels pain or suffering of the characters in the game being played.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Wall Street Bonuses
“What to do about those gross Wall Street bonuses?” politicians, “experts” and pundits bewail. They debate how best to regulate such things. Please. The answer is simple. Bring back the 91% income tax bracket.
Those of us who remember the 50s do so with fondness. It wasn’t all “Life with Father”, “Leave it to Beaver” and “Ozzy and Harriet” but it was a time when most mothers concentrated on the most important jobs like raising a family and managing a household. She was able to do that because one income supported the American Dream. Why did employers pay better then? One answer might be that there was little incentive to make gobs of money as the highest tax bracket was 91%. In 1954 income below $75,000 (today’s dollars) was taxed at 20%. Someone earning $1 million (today’s dollars) was in the 62% tax bracket. Anyone earning over $7.5 million paid 91% of every dollar over that amount in taxes.
Consider the fights between millionaire sports stars and millionaire sports team owners over multimillion dollar contracts. They are fighting over figures because in actual money it is too much for any individual to spend reasonably. I would put a cap on individual income. If you make over $2 million a year, you have to either give it away or give it to the IRS. Now the choice is either to make less than $2 million or to give it away which is a good motive, rather than greed, for making money. The sports stars will be easier to negotiate with. The team owners will either be generous to charities or, more likely, they will pay their employees more and charge less for tickets.
The 1954 tax brackets were essentially the same from 1951 through 1963. Want to guess what years the highest tax bracket was lowest? Other than the first three years of income tax in the
One more question in this quiz. When was the second lowest? It was, thanks to President Reagan, 1988-90 and has remained low ushering in the Great Recession.
I’m not talking about wealth redistribution. I’m talking about people making more money than they know what to do with and in the process bringing down a society that would be much better off if families could pursue the American Dream on the income of one wage-earner. I’m really just talking about family values as opposed to greed rules.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Duality
Duality, the belief that we have something, a soul, that exists independently of the body. Descartes failed to prove duality as have all others who have tried. I shan’t try.
There is anecdotal evidence. I have some myself. Driving my 96 year old mother home from one of her last stays in the hospital she told me of an experience she had that was something more than a dream. She told of being in this wonderful place and all her friends were there. She positively glowed when she related the story. She was describing a place that she had been taught to believe was where she would go when she died. Skeptic though I may be, the way she told the story, the way she looked and the condition of her mind the rest of the time force me to believe she, at the very least, had a powerful dream. She did not make up the story to try to convince me there is a life after death.
In the hospital a few months later, on her deathbed, we had an encounter that absolutely could not have been under her control. That morning I had found her unconscious. The ambulance took her to the hospital. I sat with her much of the day holding her hand, talking to her, but got no response. The doctor and I conferred and agreed that nothing should be done to try to revive her. He told me she might hang on for a week but it would probably not be longer than a day. He had reason to hedge his bet as she had already lived four times as long as he said she would 16 years before.
That evening my daughter and I went to visit her. I expected to find her as I had left her but she shocked me by opening her eyes, looking at me and demanding, “Where am I?!” I was flabbergasted. How had she revived? Should I call the doctor and have an IV attached?
“Where am I?” she repeated with incredible strength..
“In the hospital.”
” How did I get here?”
“You were unconscious when I came in this morning and…”
“How did I get here?”
“I called the ambulance.” She just kept getting more frustrated and angry. To use one of her pet phrases she was mad as a wet hen and nothing I said was answering her questions. She gave up trying to get an answer and Caitlin had an opportunity to express her love for her grandmother and to say good-by.
What was that all about? While driving home I came to the conclusion that she was not asking about the events of the day. The “here” she was asking about was not the hospital. I believe that she had been in that other place glowing in her surroundings when she was suddenly yanked back to this world; perhaps to allow her granddaughter one last time to express her love. How did she get here indeed? Was it a dream that she was rudely pulled away from or another world? If another world, she still didn’t know who was pulling the strings or how.
Some may ask how I could not believe in a life after death after that personal experience. First, I don’t disbelieve in a life after death any more strongly than I believe in such a possibility. I can say I’m an agnostic which means I don’t know but I go a little farther than that. I don’t care. That’s not to say that I’m not curious. I find the possibility interesting and worth thinking about. But the philosophical things that are most important to me are those that guide and inform my life. Life is the period between birth and death. There is a tremendous amount of information to be dealt with in that reality. There are tremendous rewards within life.
Am I not comforted by thinking that my mother is in a nice place, a place that made her glow when she thought about it and that made her angry to be pulled away? Not really.
That may, undoubtedly does, seem cold to some. I can’t speak for others feelings. I don’t deny them their beliefs nor do I care to diminish them in any way. It may be simply that I am less feeling than some. Or it may be that I feel my relationship with my mother was whole, complete. We had no outstanding issues. I didn’t feel I owed her anything or that she owed me anything. She is gone from my life and my life goes on. She does not visit my thoughts very much at all. She is part of my history but I am living here in the present and she is not part of the present.
A possibility other than my relationship with my mother is my relationship with myself. I am at peace with myself in a way that is entirely different than before what I feel comfortable calling my rebirth. That took place about 15 years ago (I’d have to look at my writing to figure out exactly when.). It was nothing so remarkable as an epiphany. No one but me saw any difference but the change to me was dramatic. I think I lost fear though I have not been tested and really don’t care to be.
This life is so marvelous I simply can’t see any point in spending much time envisioning another life that may be better--or may be worse if you believe in a heaven and a hell. If the soul’s fate is determined by the kind of life led by the mind and body and the determination is made by the creator, the giver of life, than how better to receive an afterlife reward than to live this life, this gift, to the fullest? What better way to live it than in ways that bring joy and take pleasure? How could one be more thankful of a gift than to use it well?
Was my mother’s soul recalled briefly or did she awaken from a dream? To what purpose and why at that exact moment? Some may say it was to make me a believer. That is their reality. Since I believe it’s all about me my answer is that the experience was given me for me to contemplate which clearly I have done. Since you are reading this it may have all been so you could read about it and have it affect you however it may.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Happy and healthy
I have been linked on "Top 50+ Blogs to Make You Healthier (And Happier)" at
http://www.x-raytechnicianschools.org/top-50-blogs-to-make-you-healthier-and-happier/
I think you might enjoy some of the other links there.
Certainly health and happiness are symbiotically linked. Obviously it is easier to be happy when we are healthy but studies have shown that happiness actually promotes health. It gets even better. Even a mirthless smile will make you feel better. Try it. Laughing out loud, so scientists say, actually kills germs.
In my book How to Improve Your Life and Save the World I reveal that having attained a measure of fame and fortune, I came to the realization that they were not goals that worked for me. I decided I should be pursuing happiness as directly as possible so I started investigating what made me happy and what made me unhappy. Tuning in the news daily was not making me happy so I stopped. That was simple. Getting angry at bad drivers I encountered made me very unhappy. It took awhile but I eventually learned to accept them rather than trying to fix them.
Learning acceptance (an ongoing job) has brought me much happiness and its sidekick, health.
http://www.x-raytechnicianschools.org/top-50-blogs-to-make-you-healthier-and-happier/
Friday, October 2, 2009
Taking Care of Mom
Both Barbara and I brought our mothers to Maine for their last years. Barbara’s mother came first. Her husband died and she was loosing her sight. Barbara tells her story of this period of her life in a performance piece she wrote from a diary she kept.
My mother fell in the middle of the night, broke her wrist and, in the dark, alone, spent the rest of the night on the floor. She had cared for her mother and more than anything in the world she didn’t want to be a burden on her son and daughter-in-law. She finally convinced herself that she could be a help transporting her school-age grandchildren to places they needed to be. We moved her into a second floor apartment six miles from us.
Unfortunately Josh and Caitlin didn’t like riding with Grammy. Apparently she had scared them once or twice. My mother wondered why she wasn’t used more and finally I had to tell her the kids didn’t want to ride with her. She thought I was lying. She kept the car as a symbol of her independence until her last year though it sat unmoved for a couple of years.
Each year got more difficult though she worked very hard to keep from being a burden. She would do mind exercises like writing down all the presidents, states and state capitals. She went to the hairdresser every other week. I was the chauffer when she couldn’t drive anymore. I shopped for her once a week and visited her any day no one else was scheduled—Meals on Wheels, visiting nurse, etc. I took her to doctor appointments.
She did a magnificent job of taking care of herself—feeding herself, going to the bathroom on her own, taking her medications (she measured the water she drank to make sure she took as much as the doctor told her to)—yet it was difficult for me. The time commitment, the wishing I didn’t have to do some of the things I had to do, and watching her deteriorate, watching her bubble of awareness shrink to interest in nothing but what she had to do to get through each day.
My job was in many ways much easier than Barbara’s. I don’t have advice for those who are going through this other than to say you are not alone. It will seem that way at times and those who have not been through it may think they understand but they don’t. You may feel it necessary to suppress some feelings, may even feel like a bad person for having them. Read Barbara’s piece. I think it will help.
My mother fell in the middle of the night, broke her wrist and, in the dark, alone, spent the rest of the night on the floor. She had cared for her mother and more than anything in the world she didn’t want to be a burden on her son and daughter-in-law. She finally convinced herself that she could be a help transporting her school-age grandchildren to places they needed to be. We moved her into a second floor apartment six miles from us.
Unfortunately Josh and Caitlin didn’t like riding with Grammy. Apparently she had scared them once or twice. My mother wondered why she wasn’t used more and finally I had to tell her the kids didn’t want to ride with her. She thought I was lying. She kept the car as a symbol of her independence until her last year though it sat unmoved for a couple of years.
Each year got more difficult though she worked very hard to keep from being a burden. She would do mind exercises like writing down all the presidents, states and state capitals. She went to the hairdresser every other week. I was the chauffer when she couldn’t drive anymore. I shopped for her once a week and visited her any day no one else was scheduled—Meals on Wheels, visiting nurse, etc. I took her to doctor appointments.
She did a magnificent job of taking care of herself—feeding herself, going to the bathroom on her own, taking her medications (she measured the water she drank to make sure she took as much as the doctor told her to)—yet it was difficult for me. The time commitment, the wishing I didn’t have to do some of the things I had to do, and watching her deteriorate, watching her bubble of awareness shrink to interest in nothing but what she had to do to get through each day.
My job was in many ways much easier than Barbara’s. I don’t have advice for those who are going through this other than to say you are not alone. It will seem that way at times and those who have not been through it may think they understand but they don’t. You may feel it necessary to suppress some feelings, may even feel like a bad person for having them. Read Barbara’s piece. I think it will help.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Best advice I ever got
I have concluded, more than fifty years later, that the best advice I ever got came from an old caddy when I was fifteen. It was startling advice, as you can imagine, since I remember it after all these years. Several of us caddies were sitting on the caddy bench waiting for a job when the older caddy (the others were about my age) told us that we should always make the woman climax first. It was several years before I was able to put this advice to use but the most startling piece of information was that women climaxed!
Now, in my seventies, I am thinking that this advice may have been the beginning of empathetic thinking for me. Certainly thinking about my partner during sex play has, over the years, brought my partners ecstatic pleasure which, in turn, has done the same for me. Since sex is such a big part of most of our lives, it makes sense that it would be a good vehicle for learning. That it is discussed so little is a tragedy. In our society sex is kept secret. “Secret!” You say. Of course it is the most lucrative business of the web. Prostitution is rightly called the oldest profession. Most of your friends have a fetish of some sort that they wouldn’t want known by even their closest friend. Most people masturbate and lie about it.
I’m not advocating that we go around talking about sex all the time. I just think we would all be a lot healthier, our society would be healthier, if we were comfortable including sex in our conversations just as we include food, sports, aches and pains, politics, etc. (I purposely left out the weather as discussing sex as often as we discuss the weather would probably be an excess.)
Perhaps this example of empathetic thinking will help some others to think this way. I am convinced that the better one becomes at putting one’s self in another’s being, the better life becomes. Think of it this way. Wouldn’t it be way cool to be able to read people’s minds? Thinking empathetically has taken me far in that direction.
Now, in my seventies, I am thinking that this advice may have been the beginning of empathetic thinking for me. Certainly thinking about my partner during sex play has, over the years, brought my partners ecstatic pleasure which, in turn, has done the same for me. Since sex is such a big part of most of our lives, it makes sense that it would be a good vehicle for learning. That it is discussed so little is a tragedy. In our society sex is kept secret. “Secret!” You say. Of course it is the most lucrative business of the web. Prostitution is rightly called the oldest profession. Most of your friends have a fetish of some sort that they wouldn’t want known by even their closest friend. Most people masturbate and lie about it.
I’m not advocating that we go around talking about sex all the time. I just think we would all be a lot healthier, our society would be healthier, if we were comfortable including sex in our conversations just as we include food, sports, aches and pains, politics, etc. (I purposely left out the weather as discussing sex as often as we discuss the weather would probably be an excess.)
Perhaps this example of empathetic thinking will help some others to think this way. I am convinced that the better one becomes at putting one’s self in another’s being, the better life becomes. Think of it this way. Wouldn’t it be way cool to be able to read people’s minds? Thinking empathetically has taken me far in that direction.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
